I’ve lost a veil. Lord knows how, between Bethnal Green and Southampton Camilla’s veil has gone missing. But it’s been one of those days. I get another letter from the bank, telling me that the documents I sent weren’t adequate to prove my identity, and after a very long, trying conversation with the nice but not overly helpful string of representatives at the bank, I establish that my credit score wasn’t sufficiently high enough. Excuse me? They require me to send in a certified copy of my passport or my driver’s license. After pointing out a few anomalies on the sheet of instructions I was originally sent, I establish that actually it’s not up to the bank, it’s something to do with the credit agency. So I get the number of the credit agency, and call them, all set to vent my spleen. I get a recorded menu, no option of which will allow me to speak to someone real. I find their website, and choose to view my record online. I fill out all the little boxes, then fill them out again (your password needs to be between 6 and 8 characters; we do not recognise that address; please re-enter your password) and again, only to be told that they cannot verify me at my address, so I need to send in – you guessed – a copy of my passport and my driver’s license, plus two recent utility bills (not mobile phone) or bank statement. I find another number, I ring again. This time I’m told by the equally cool but not very helpful lackey that they cannot verify me at my address – despite having access to all my bank details and the electoral register.
- So someone else is using my identity from another address?
- I’m sorry, madam, we can’t tell you why we can’t verify you at your address, that’s why we want the identification.
- But I’m very concerned about this.
- I’m sorry, but I can’t alleviate that concern.
- So if I send you the documents, you will tell me what’s happening?
- We cannot tell you why we cannot verify you at your address. Once we have verified you at your address, then we will let you know that the matter has been resolved.
- But will you tell me why you could not verify me at this address?
- If we told you that, madam, then there would be no point in our security procedures [in other words, "If we told you, we'd have to kill you."]
Nearly bent double with frustration, I say goodbye. Politely. Then scream at the top of my lungs, for a very long time.